What lies behind appearance is usually another appearance.

I don't really do New Year resolutions. Nobody ever follows them, not for more than a month anyway. Go to my gym on January 1st and it is rammed, go on February the 1st and it's dead ... This happens every year, i pray for February to come so that i can park in time to get to my 5.30-pm class. They should be called month promises or some such thing. But this year i've got a resolution. I'm wearing lipstick, every day. It's not a serious resolution, it doesn't affect anything, but i quite like wearing lipstick.

Yesterday someone questioned why i wear makeup every day. Now, i don't wear it every day, if i'm not leaving the house i won't wear it, if i'm just popping to the shops i won't wear it, but i do wear it for work every day. I think the comment went something along the lines of "Why do you feel the need to wear makeup? You're pretty enough without it" .. Firstly, i'm not pretty enough without it and secondly i don't 'feel the need' . I don't need to wear it, i like to wear it. I enjoy the application of makeup, i've been known on a particularly boring day to take my makeup off and reapply it differently. I don't trowel it on like some girls, i don't make myself orange (i don't think, i hope ... tell me if i do!), i don't look like a drag queen (of which there is nothing wrong with looking like ... if you are a drag queen). Some people say "oh i like girls who are naturally pretty" not realising that 99% of these girls that they think are naturally pretty have spent and hour doing 'natural' makeup. It bugs me when people judge people on how they look, whether it be because they have makeup on, or because they haven't, because they have dreadlocks or blonde extensions .. stop it, stop judging. Maybe i've read too much into a harmless comment, maybe he caught me when i was moody .. It's not hard. ;)

Our life is what our thoughts make it.

I've been reading other blogs today, lots of blogs .. The internet seems to be full of them. I've been trying to gain a bit of inspiration as to what to write about in my blog now i'm back. It's nice, I like the idea that there are millions of people just like me verbal diarrhoeaing onto their keyboards. Except most aren't like me. Most have some kind of theme, rather than just nattering about what their brain is thinking, boring stuff, unimportant stuff, random stuff, jumping from one topic to another. It doesn't bother me that my blog is just full of my own idiocyncracies, I love the idea that in 40 years time my grandkids will get some small insight into what was on my mind at a certain point in history. Or, when I become Queen of England people can see what I was like as a 'normal' person.

Women's blogs, on the whole, tend to be one of three topics. Fashion, food or children. If I had to write about one of these three things I would be buggered (am i allowed to say buggered on a blog?)..... I have absolutely zero interest in fashion. I like pretty clothes like most women, but I could never be fashionable. I'm not saying that I don't have anything that is fashionable, but if I do it is an accident ... I don't know what is fashionable at any one moment. I wear clothes that i like, because they suit me, or because i find them ridiculously pretty, not because of the name, or because Kate Moss was seen wearing it (Kate Moss?! how 90's am I?!). Food .. Oh food .. I love food, but I have about 3 specialities ... Carla's food blog would be the smallest blog in the world. Oh correction .. Carla's baby blog would be the smallest in the world, as I don't have any.

So, yeah, I didn't get much inspiration as to what to write about, so i apologise to those of you who often read what I write (for a lot of you probably out of loyalty, because you know me ... and for this I love you!) because I will definitely be sticking to my randomness, unless that is, I pop into Topshop and get sucked into that world and become a fashionista .. I'm excited for that day (don't hold your breath).

So last year.

Wow! Look how long it has been since i have written here. I've either gotten really lazy or really busy. I'm not even sure which, probably a mix of the two. Apologies to those that have been popping by to see that i've done nothing, nada, weirdly i have lots of readers from America and the Middle East, i've no idea why or how they got here, but 'hi' (i also don't mean to call you weird). I really appreciate that people have been reading even though i've not been here ... i promise i'll write lots more this year .. resolution if you will. I've got a few blogs on the go, almost ready to be posted but i'm going to start off with a really simple one. A quick recap of what's been happening in 2013 in a list, the laziest of all the writing skills i know, but i need to warm myself up, so here we go... my 2013 ..

I opened a new online business (www.facebook.com/idrewthishandmadecrayons) making wax crayons.

I had a dip-dye on my hair.

I've got pink hair!

I will be having blue hair.

I've been on 7 first dates.

5 second dates.

2 third dates.

1 multiple dates.

1 declaration of undying love (not made by me, by a man, an actual man, actually to me, yes, me! - this would make a ridiculously funny blog but i'm too scared to share incase he reads).

1 chest infection.

1 tattoo.

1 punch (thrown by me ... It was rather a good one too!).

1 Dublin break (this will be a blog).

4 serious hangovers.

1 26th birthday (i won't be correcting this!).

About 12 books started.

4 books finished.

1 knobhead neighbour.

2 falls.

Lots of tears.

Much more laughter.

I seem to be finding it difficult to remember what happened to me last year, my memory is shocking at the moment, i'm tired. I will update with some proper writing soon then we can all never mention this blog again and it can slip down the list into obscurity.

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

Ot oh …. I’m scared I might be turning into a boy.  I’m starting to like boys films .. this worries me.  Last night I went to watch the new Batman movie and thoroughly enjoyed it and got stupidly excited at the idea that there might be a fourth.  There. better. be. a. fourth.  Granted I’ve never been a chick flick kind of girl, I like some chick flicks but only the better quality of chick flick like Bridesmaids or the classics such as Dirty Dancing, but ask me to watch something starring Channing Tatum, Lindsay Lohan the cast of Gossip Girl/Vampire Diaries/Glee or anything based in an American high school and I’ll probably say no, run away or fall asleep.  But similarly if I have to watch a film starring Van Damme, Statham (although he is beautiful!) or the former Governor of California then you’ll probably find that my phone is out for the majority of it .. sending out some kind of SOS text.  I can’t be doing with films that have more guns, blood and gore than it does dialogue.  So why did I like Batman?  Comic books are stupid, stories for kids/grownup kids (ahem.. geeks).  Granted Christian Bale is not at all bad to look at, especially with lack of shirt … he does however seem to put on some comedy Batman voice, which kinda sounds like the voices girls do when we put a man voice on.  Oh oh and Michael Caine is in it, I love Michael Caine!  Him and Ray Winstone have the best voices in the history of the world.  I also really liked Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, i'm a bit biased though because i've always quite liked the Hathaway. And then there is the supervillain .. Bane? Something like that .. he's suitably scary and has also been given a comedy voice.  I did do a bit of a random giggle half way through the film at a particularly suspenseful dramatic - not comediac -point when i realied what his voice reminded me of, the X Factor voiceover man!!! He sounded just like him .. i half expected him to go "I will kill you Batman ... it's Rachel Adedeje!!!!"

Oh oh i can't talk about Batman without honourable mention to the late Heath Ledger as Joker in the Dark Knight .. he was actually, completely amazing it.  Hollywood definitely lost one of the good ones.

ok this blog post seems a bit mish mashed, it's late, and my mind is being rubbish after a bad nights sleep so i've kinda just written stuff as my mind is coming up with it, rather than trying to think coherently and organise my thoughts ... i shall probably do a massive edit at some point.  I can't even think of a suitable way to end the post ... so, erm, yeah, The End.

Why do fools fall in love?

So ... the dating website. There's a bit of a stigma about being on one. I'm on one for the second time (although not a paid one ... i'm not quite that desperate yet ... hi stigma), and admittedly 90% of the men on there are complete freaks but in a world where men don't go up to women in the street like they do in the movies to ask women out there is not much choice. I certainly don't want to find someone through a drunken haze during the friday night meat market in town .. half because that's not really the syle of the kinda men i like, secondly because i'm somewhat too old for the majority of them. :( and in a little sleepy town, the men aren't all that eligible.

I told my sister today that i was meeting a man and she asked where i met him ... i haven't met him, we've been speaking on a dating website making this our first time of meeting, she screwed up her face and went 'ooh i couldn't do that'. I have checked with him that he isn't an axe murderer though. I have genuinely told him he is banned from murder on this night and he has given me his word that he will leave his axe and/or chainsaw at home. If needs be i will frisk him to make sure ... i probably will need to ... he is rather attractive.

Some men seem to think that the way to a womans heart is via insults. I'm currently engaging one man in conversation who has called me a 'f*cking b*tch' a 'retard' and has just told me to 'sort my face out' another called me 'a hoe' telling me that he could tell i was by my face! I must admit, i quite like these messages, they entertain me and don't seem to know how to handle a woman that can retaliate in an eloquent way and just explode into a tirade of insults. Most however, are nice, it's just a shame i seem to attract the elderly and men that tlk lk dis bbe. Luckily i've spotted a few gems and just hope i'm not on there for too much longer, there's only so long i can cope with the copy and pasted 'oh my god how can a girl like you be here, are the boys near you blind' (without question marks) only to get the exact same message a few days later from the same men after they've forgotten they have messaged me already. Yawn.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education

It's that time of year again, people are finishing University, coming out into the big wide world all fresh faced and bushy tailed. The ambitious thinking theyll be on 40k before the year is out, the Peter Pans that think they can travel the world and that they won't be back a few years later in debt and back at mum and dads. This was once me, if someone told me 7 years later (ouch!) i'd still not know where i was going and what i was doing i wouldn't have believed them. After Uni you get a good job and/or get married and have children yes? Living happily ever after? I did it wrong.

However, i wouldn't change my University days for the world (except maybe my course) all my best memories are from that place. I started University in 2002 an incredibly shy, mousey girl who wouldn't say boo to a goose, i credit that place and the amazing friends i made there for bringing me out of my shell and making me the person i am today. The friends you make there you will remember for the rest of your life (cliche yadda yadda) .. but the thought that they will stay in your world for the rest of your life is ridiculous, they all slowly fade away as they grow up and live their lives a tvarious different points of the country. There's always that one though that you really gel with and will keep with you for life. My Uni friend is Charlotte. I remember the first time i met her, she had the room opposite me and i was moving stuff into my room while she was doing the same, she was playing that Kelly Rowland and Nelly song, i don't remember the name (yet i can sing it) but at the time i loved that song (my music taste then was even worse then than it is now!) .. we bonded for the first time over a mutual love of Kelly and Nelly! She was my original partner in crime, we distracted ourselves with michevious pranks on our poor unsuspecting housemates. Namely Hannah, Hannah was a tall, well spoken 'Daddy has a boat' kind of girl ... a weird girl. I could never decide whether i liked Hannah, she was quite irritating, but anyone that knows me knows that i don't dislike people easily so i was one of few that tolerated her. Well, except for when Charlotte and I were playing tricks on her ..nothing major, infact nothing that i'm going to discuss here because they really were 'you had to be there' kinda things. Charlotte and I could laugh for hours about them, anyone else, however would look at us like we were mental ...we probably were, we probably are. Charlotte is still very much a part of my life, we don't see each other as much as we'd like, she lives in the Lake District, but when we do we eat lots, drink lots and gossip about boys (ahem men) as if we were still sat in our Uni dorms, and i'm still very proud to have been her Maid of honor at her wedding a few years back, i still don't feel like we're old enough for stuff like that Char!

As for University itself, the course i studied and have a 2:1 BSc(hons) degree in is Applied Social Studies. Admitedly when it came to Uni time i didn't know what it was i wanted to do i just needed to get away from college (i'd gone to do extra A'Levels after i'd finished 6th form because i wasn't quite ready for the moving away stuff). I chose a course that i thought sounded nice and varied, which it was, in hindsight though too varied, it's the specfic, individualised courses that get you the jobs when you finish. My course consisted of modules on Psychology, Sociology, Working with Non-Statutory Agencies, Politics, Social Work, Heath Studies, Social Problems and Social Issues, Forensic Psychology, Comparative Social Welfare, Social Research, Crime & Deviance, Working With Offenders .. and breathe ... i was swapping from module to module so frequently that by the time i got my teeth into a subject i was moving on to the next. It did however mean that i have knowledge in a wide variety of subjects even if not to the depth i'd have liked. I have kept every single assignment i ever wrote for my course, i got a 2:1 in each (except research, which i found the most boring, but weirdly got a good 1st in), i read them all recently and although i did well i could have done better. I was one of those students that did nothing until the night before an assignment was due .. i've always liked pressure, i much preferred exams to assignments. But i think if i'd have sat down in advance i'd have been able to delve into much more research on the topic and maybe presented my arguments in a more eloquant and structured manner. My dissertation was on the psychology of murderers and the nature vs nurture debate. I have always been fascinated by killers and why it is that they can commit such horrific acts so i loved doing my dissertation (even if i did do it in a week!). I of course came to a mixed conclusion .. noone knows why, it's a bit of both ... but more nurture .. so i believe. I did my assignments in the days of the 3 and 1/2 inch floppy disk ...urgh .. so i only have hard copies .. i do hate that i don't have them on my computers ... Otherwise i'd let people have a read ... ok maybe i wouldn't.

But the 3 years i spent at University was, as the grown ups always say, the best years of my life. People say when they didn't go to University that they 'studied at the University of life' but for me, University taught me about life. As well as actual academia it taught me about friendships, living alone, boys ... cooking .. working a washing machine (kinda) .. the things you don't learn living at mum & dads, working at Morrisons on the checkouts. So if you ever get the chance, go .... one day, i'll go back.

How frail the human heart must be - a mirrored pool of thought.

I thought that I could not be hurt
I thought that I could not be hurt;
I thought that I must surely be
impervious to suffering-
immune to pain
or agony.

My world was warm with April sun
my thoughts were spangled green and gold;
my soul filled up with joy, yet
felt the sharp, sweet pain that only joy
can hold.

My spirit soared above the gulls
that, swooping breathlessly so high
o'erhead, now seem to to brush their whir-
ring wings against the blue roof of
the sky.

(How frail the human heart must be-
a throbbing pulse, a trembling thing-
a fragile, shining instrument
of crystal, which can either weep,
or sing.)

Then, suddenly my world turned gray,
and darkness wiped aside my joy.
A dull and aching void was left
where careless hands had reached out to
destroy

my silver web of happiness.
The hands then stopped in wonderment,
for, loving me, they wept to see
the tattered ruins of my firma-
ment

(How frail the human heart must be-
a mirrored pool of thought. So deep
and tremulous an instrument
of glass that it can either sing,
or weep).




I wish i could write like this.  This is my favourite of all the poems, closely followed by  another of Plath's work 'Apprehensions' .. honorable mention to Shakespeare's 'All the World's a Stage' and the final verse of 'Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her' by Christopher Brennan.  I tried my hand at poetry writing when i was a teenager, probably the best time to write, full of emotion yet not yet tainted by the negativities of life. I kinda wish i'd have kept them.

I love the written word.